A Bad Father
Sunday, June 20, 2004 (11:50:32)

Posted by gentle

I am no longer a young man and have accumulated years of experience in many areas of life, fatherhood being one of them. Looking back, I can conclude that I may have been good at some things, but I was not a good father. More than anyone else, I know the mistakes I made. I know where I could have done better. I believe most people who think they are good parents, are dillusional. Those who really don't know if they are good parents or not, probably are. If you really want to know how you are doing, ask your kids and LISTEN to their answer. Most people don't want to know. I, on the other hand, know I was a bad father.

I worked too many hours and didn't spend enough time with my kids. When I had free time, I crawled into an emotional cave to escape the pain of the times. My kids wanted me to come out and I always promised to be there "in a minute," but that minute turned into hours which turned into days, which never happened. I was overwhelmed and did not handle things appropriately. I spiraled downward and couldn't control the descent.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Quite the contrary. I am owning up to what I have done wrong and accepting the consequences as painful as they are.

There are millions of books that give advice on how to be a parent, each with a different viewpoint, none of them really helpful. Anyone who feels they need one of these books, probably won't learn anything from it. It would be like reading a book on how to breathe. You either know how, or you die. We instinctively know how to be parents, unless a person is too young, in which case, they shouldn't breed. If someone fails at parenting, it's their own fault. We are all given the same parenting abilities and like breathing, we modify our approach based on our particular position and situation.

Different cultures, stress levels and financial situations, change normal routines. Fatherhood is different for a man who lives in the U.K. than it is for someone in Afghanistan. It is even different for a man living in California, U.S. than it is for someone living Alabama. In spite of this, I would be considered a bad father no matter where I lived because I was too wrapped up in my own problems to lift my head. Actually, my family's problems were my problems and visa versa. Most of them were financial, which caused me to work harder and longer to be able to put food on the table. They wanted bread and there were times we couldn't even afford a stone. I have a strong sense of commitment and responsibility. Providing for my family is something I take very seriously. Looking back, I see where that was my downfall because I lacked faith. I should have trusted God for our sustenance. "I" was the one trying to provide for them and when I failed, "I" was the one who failed. All they wanted was me and I wasn't there because all I wanted was them. I know it doesn't make sense to you. It doesn't make sense to my family either.

Other serious problems were caused by an ex-wife. She has been vindictive and subversive, punishing others for her own failures and inadequacies, while hiding behind a cloak of feigned spirituality. She thinks she was a good parent and has blinded herself to the truth. That's her business.

I think parents tend to remember their kids as they were when they were young because somehow, this allows us to recapture lost moments or possibly a more innocent time. We remember how our children needed us because there was no where else for them to turn. As they grow older, they become more independent and parents feel displaced. Displaced is different than misplaced in that if something is misplaced, you don't know where it is. If something is displaced, you know where it is but it isn't where it belongs. That said, I feel displaced and it is probably my own fault.

I love my kids. I have always loved them, prayed for them, tried to help them and teach them. I wasn't there for them when they needed me most and now that they have grown, they don't need me. I need my kids as much if not more than they need me. Parents need to admit this because their kids have known it for years.

Like my children, I have grown up over the years and am probably now more spiritually and emotionally equipped to handle a relationship with my kids. Unfortunately, the damage has been done and they have moved on. There were times I wasn't there to watch my kids grow up. They weren't there to watch me grow up either. We are all different now and need to get reacquainted. There was and is so much I wanted to share with them.

Today, I sit here with tears in my eyes, asking my kids for a second, third or fourth chance. Maybe I still have something of value that could help them somehow. I can't take them to the amusement park or the movies, but maybe we could sit together as friends if they can find the time. They don't know who I am and I may only have an idea of who they have become. Maybe they will just watch me grow old from a distance until I go away.

I'm a bad father. I know it and my kids know it. I had a good Example. Why didn't I follow it?
Dear God, what a mess I have made. I can never make it right and I don't know what to do.


- You know who I am