How Can I Help You?
Sunday, March 26, 2006 (14:11:05)

Posted by Conx

The man sat behind the counter waiting for the people. It was Monday, and Monday was always the slowest day. The ball he'd been making out of elastic bands had grown considerably bigger since opening time, and he rolled it from side to side to relieve the boredom. Coffee! Perhaps coffee would help. But he'd only just finished the last one.

"Ah well, perhaps somebody'll turn up soon", he whispered.

The first lady sidled up to the counter, glanced around to make sure nobody was looking and began:

"I don't really know why I'm asking you this....", she began.

The man brightened and put on his best customer service manner. "That's ok, madam. Always happy to serve".

"It's kind of difficult to explain", she continued. "You're probably busy and I don't want to disturb you....".

"That's quite alright madam. Please tell me what's on your mind and I'll help", the man said.

The lady continued as if he'd never spoken. "No, come to think of it, you won't be able to help me. It's not as if I'm a regular customer".

"Please! Let me help you", pleaded the man behind the counter as the lady walked slowly away.

The next customer was a youngish man with an angry red face. "Right, I'll make this short. I'm a busy man, and a lot of people rely on me. I don't have time to bandy words with you all day"..........

The man behind the counter sighed inwardly, but his face broke into his best "How can I help you?" smile. He began to speak.

"Don't interupt! Do you realise how rude that is? Why do I keep hitting problems when I use you? I buy into your products and then use them for my own reasons. Why can't you think about how I'm going to use your stuff before you sell it? Why can't I use it for things it isn't designed for? I need something I can use everywhere on everything regardless of whether I should be doing it or not".

"Well, sir..."

"I thought I told you not to interrupt me? Anyway, I don't have time to argue with you. I don't like your attitude. I'll be sending a strong complaint to your boss, I'm a close personal friend of his. I've known him since I was a kid. Goodbye, and don't think I'll be using you again either! And I'll tell all my friends and customers - you'll soon see how much damage I can do when you cross me!"

The man behind the counter shook his head slowly as the ex-customer stalked away, still muttering about how important he was. He silently thanked the guy who taught him - otherwise he might have told the man how trivial his complaints were. Still, the next one might be better.......

Or perhaps not!

"I'm doing this out of courtesy only, you understand. I've always used your products perfectly and I can fix them without your help. I just like to pop my head around the door every now and then to let you know you don't have to worry about me. They don't seem to have the same effect on my life as the adverts say, but I'm going to adapt them so they will. In fact, when I've improved them, I'll even let you sell them for me - for a commission of course. Any time you need advice, you be sure to call me first. OK! See ya later pal, you're doing a great job".

The man behind the counter held his head in his hands as the man walked away, telling everybody he passed just what a great service he'd been given.

"I've tried your product, but I've not been happy with it", the next lady said.

"At last", thought the man. "OK, madam. What's the exact problem?"

"No", she replied, "I don't want you to try to talk me round. I just want my money back and I'll be on my way".

"But refunds are difficult, madam. When did you purchase our product?"

"I can't remember, and you never gave me a recipt. It was a while ago, it must be an old model though".

"I can assure you that we only sell one product and it hasn't changed since we formed the company".

"Maybe that's why I'm unhappy with it. How about updating it and then, maybe, I'll accept a trade instead?"

"Sorry ma'am. That's the one area the management is very firm on. There's nothing wrong with the existing product. It's tried and tested. We know it works better than anything else on the market. Like the boss says - you can't improve on perfection".

"Well I have to say that's a very strange attitude to take. The guys down the road say you're too old-fashioned to work in the real world and, I have to say, I'm starting to agree with them. Maybe I'll take my custom elsewhere in future".

"Please madam, I can assure you we're the very best around. Our competitors may seem attractive, but they can't deliver".

"Still, I think I'll try them anyway. If I find you're right, then I'll be back".

"Come back anytime, ma'am. We'll always be happy to see you. Don't be a stranger y'hear".

The final visit before lunch was perhaps the worst.

"How can I help you sir?"

"You don't exist".

"Pardon?"

"Didn't you hear me? You don't exist".

"But I'm here. You're talking to me".

"No you're not. Somebody invented you".

"Sorry sir, I've always been here".

"No - you're not really there, it's just that lots of people think you are".

"If I don't exist, why are you talking to me?"

"To tell you I don't need you..... not that there's a YOU to need, of course".

"So, you're having a conversation with somebody who doesn't exist? Doesn't that strike you as odd?"

"Just letting you know where you stand. Just letting you know you've been found out".

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And Jesus wept.




Conx

Copyright (c) Conway Billington